"Sam was so unprofessional in today's meeting. OK, so we forgot to arrange a room that had natural lighting and there were fluorescent bulbs in there. But why not just ask us to change rooms, politely? Why the big display of behaviour?"
Autistic people get a lot of this. Well, either as a response to a seemingly-angry 'meltdown', or as a response to an autistic shutdown, where we can't communicate or process what's happening in that moment.
It's often based on a misunderstanding of the physical differences in autistic brains and how they work, and on a misunderstanding of autistic lives and how very, very difficult they are made, by society.
Let's take a look at what's going on.
I've chosen a particular image for this. It shows a person trying to carry a huge pile of heavy boxes, which are about to topple over.
Autistic lives are very much like this. Which extra 'box'/unexpected undoable event will be added to the teetering pile today, and what will happen? What will be the last straw, to use an expression?
Let's say that Sam wakes up at 6 am on the day of the meeting. Sam has had about four hours of sleep, because of other health situations that are common for autistic people. Far more likely to be in chronic pain, for example. Few medical teams realise this or do what's needed to investigate and offer solutions.
Sam opens the post, and finds something from the Benefits people to tell her that her benefits have been cancelled due a misunderstanding...so now Sam has no money to pay for the future support they need to go to work safely and do a good job. But maybe they'll be paid again if Sam goes through months of stressful Appeal....
Sam also opens three bills that need paying, realising there's now no money to do this. The anxiety builds. Then goes to social media to message a friend - but notes how many hate articles and comments there are about autistic people as 'burdens' and 'diseases' and 'costs' who should all be somehow erased from the earth as soon as possible. The anxiety builds.
Sam would make breakfast, but can't summon the energy to shower, get into workwear, and make something useful to eat,. So today's another day when Sam leaves for work whilst hungry. Perhaps there's time to get something before the meeting?
Sam's train is at 7.45am, enough time to get to work. Except the train is cancelled, and now Sam might be late, which makes her even more hugely anxious and overwhelmed. There's no money for a taxi, now. The next train is sensory hell of packed carriages, perfumes, aftershaves, chattering, jostling. Nowhere to sit down.
Sam makes it to the meeting room, just in time. Still hungry. But, there's no outside light, and the room is lit by intensely flickering fluorescent lighting. Oh no!
Sam's brain goes into an autistic brain event caused by the overwhelm and the sensory overload. Sam might say something that seems very loud or rude, and may act in an 'out of character' way. Or she may be suddenly very quiet and seemingly 'rude' in ignoring people. The team are horrified.
Sam has little or no idea what's happening, because they are now in a brain event. This isn't a planned set of responses. Afterwards, she may be so exhausted and bewildered, and very much in need of kindness.
To take us back to the start, "Sam was so unprofessional in today's meeting. OK, so we forgot to arrange a room that had natural lighting and there were fluorescent bulbs in there. But why not just ask us politely? Why the big display of difficult behaviour? I hope Sam apologises for their appalling conduct!"
It's not anger. Or being rude.
But I can understand how people misunderstand autistic brain events.
It's similar in some ways for friends who are diabetic and go into a low-sugar situation, where their behaviour becomes erratic, and they may sound cross and 'unprofessional'. Or friends who have forms of epilepsy, who may likewise behave erratically during a brain 'electrical storm'.
It's not a choice.
What can we do to support an autistic colleague who may occasionally having a really bad day and might sound loud or erratic, or seemingly quiet and unresponsive?
Planning in advance, we can be understanding:
We can get really good training, from autistic people.
We can offer a quieter, sensory-friendlier space for them to work in and recover in, realising how important this is, to avoid brain events.
We can realise that it's not appropriate to expect someone to apologise for something that is totally out of their control. Yes, everyone might also have a day when they are actually cross, and I've yet to meet an autistic person who doesn't apologise for getting genuinely angry for no good reason. But...apologising for a brain event? It would be like expecting a friend to apologise for having an epilepsy event.
We can reflect together, afterwards, on what we can do differently to help them not be in that awful, exhausting situation again. We can use kind phrasing, to check whether they realised what happened.
We can work towards a world that is kinder to the 1 in 30 fabulous people who is autistic. Really listening and being compassionate, rather than assuming bad motives.
Thank you for reading.
