I've seen a few parents and carers talking about Christmas festivities and other festivals, and how important it is to them to make their autistic child join in. Some are accompanied by photos of a screaming child, trying desperately to get away from being sat on the knee of a strange man in a red and white suit, or squashed up next to them.
I'll paraphrase some of the thinking:
"But if we let them get away with not joining in, they will miss out on all the fun!"
"If we don't make them do these things, they will end up being a useless burden to society and in a care home - they have to learn to be like everyone else!"
"They are one of the most Severe autistic children. They can't understand consent and assent anyway, so it's up to us to decide on Santa visits for them."
"Are you saying that I should just let my child not go to the Doctors to get vital healthcare, then?"
It's all very worrying, isn't it. I'll say this as gently as I can, whilst respecting that this is very difficult for some families and situations because of competing needs:
It's not fun for an autistic child to be forced to endure 'fun' things that leave them distressed. Not even if it is a family tradition. It's not needed, and it's not the same as having to work gently and carefully with healthcare professionals to make an urgent medical procedure possible.
Because a child was labelled as 'severe', and does not use spoken words ('mouth words') it does not mean that they have no autonomy. Their distress, their attempt to get away, is very clearly showing their lack of assent.
Being given a kind life is not making it more likely that they will end up in care. It does the exact opposite. Parents and carers who are able to offer kind alternatives, careful transitions, good explanations and cheerful co-production with their fabulous young person...those are the parents who see their autistic young people thrive and learn. A child forced into terrifying experiences is only learning fear, and not to trust adults.
Bodily autonomy is also so, so important for all of our autistic young people, wherever humanly possible. They are greatly increased risk of harm from predators, and must not be taught that any stranger can put you on their knee and put their arms round you, and Mummy & Daddy think that's just fine.
AI technology exists. If you need a photograph of your child in a family photo, and they won't or can't be in that shot, it's a matter of moments to get AI to add them (where appropriate of course). No need to force them into the shot.
Autistic young people deserve to enjoy family gatherings and festive events, in ways that aren't painful, humiliating, exhausting beyond measure, or potentially dangerous. There are many wonderful resources out there that explain how to make such family events ones that everyone can enjoy, with things that truly have meaning for them. For example the work of Chris Bonnello or that of the team and parents at Autism Central
Wishing all of you a gentle, caring, compassionate, thoughtful and joyful festive season. One that all the family can cherish.
